The Secret Life of a Student: What channel 4 missed out

So I've been at University for over 6 weeks now, and the experience has been something of a roller coaster. I'm constantly exhausted but am also somehow constantly running from rehearsal to lecture to pub to seminar to church to rehearsal. I'm also finding time to watch the Apprentice and go shopping because a girl needs time to zone out. I don't sleep.

But man oh man I'm loving life. And I'm excited. Like, all the time. About nothing in particular. There's just always exciting stuff around the corner - people, opportunities, events, you name it. This has a lot to do with the fact that I'm on an Arts course and am heavily involved with Arty societies so I'm basically swimming along in a buzzing creative bubble.

There are many elements of this experience that I expected - for example, food shopping is as thrilling as I'd hoped, being spontaneous and independent is as fun and dangerous as I foresaw and sadly my procrastination didn't just vanish because I'm at Uni. However, there are a few things that surprised me and I sort of wish I'd known when going through the UCAS process. Many of these surprises were surprises because, spoiler alert, channel 4 documentaries on 'The Secret Life of a Student' do NOT show the full picture. (I'm not the only person who watched that series am I..?) Anyway, because I'm a good egg I thought it'd be nice to share my new found wisdom (gross exaggeration)  for all those pals of mine going through it now or who will be in a couple of years. Because sharing is caring. You're welcome.


- Not going out/drinking doesn't make you odd or boring
Documentaries would have you believe that the only people who don't go out every night at University are socially awkward or suffer with a learning difficulty. This is not true. Although there is a huge drinking culture at University, there are so many people who don't drink often or at all. And if you're hanging around with decent people, no one will have a problem with that. The survival keys to having a sober night are to be confident and honest about your decision and to find events going on that are not alcohol orientated (or not if you're able to fuel your pub crawl on lemonade and J20s). If you look hard enough you'll find comedy nights and board game clubs that will get you out the house and socialising in an environment you feel comfortable and safe in.

- It can still be difficult to be true to yourself, despite the accepting environment and fresh start
Leading on from the potentially difficult situation of not wanting to drink at Uni, is a wider picture in which in any sense it can be challenging to be totally honest because everyone just wants to be loved and accepted :((( I came to University carrying facts about myself that I avoided talking about/surpressed at all costs at school but was determined to finally be honest about at Uni (that sounds really suspicious, I'm not an assassin don't worry) because people (mainly adults, interestingly) say that it's such an accepting, open minded environment. And I'm not saying that it's not, but you still do have to close your eyes and jump sometimes and just like in school, it is so much easier and often appealing to just shrink in to a sheep and copy. Before University I'd romantise about how I'd be open about my Christian faith from the very beginning so I'd never be faced with the awkward confession when put on the spot. This never happened and I've been so rubbish at talking about it for fear of people thinking me weird or feeling uncomfortable. But I'm talking about it here so at least that's a little step forward. Anyway, this has turned into a bit of a sad point, but I just wish I'd been a little less naive about the whole 'fresh start/I can be who I want' thing and realised that it does still take some guts to be upfront about the awkward things. This might not relate to anyone reading, but if on the off chance it does, please please apply the same attitude from the previous point - confidence and honesty.
One day I will take my own advice...

-First year is not just parties
Yes it's the most laid back year and yes there's far less pressure than the following two and yes you have lots of time on your hands, but you do still have to work...quite a lot. I have known some first years to decline going out because they have too much reading to do. True story.

-There is so much support in place
Naturally, the amount and the type of support available to students will vary slightly from University to University, but generally speaking, there will be fantastic care in place. This is something that I'm upset is never shown or mentioned at all in documentaries on University. When the new students are home sick, they're shown crying alone in their rooms and/or getting the train home to Mum and Dad. When they're stressed and/or confused, they express their feelings to a TV camera and have them broadcasted to thousands of strangers. They could have just as easily gone to student support and spoken to a lovely trained adviser who would have comforted and helped them in a much more beneficial way. Sigh. One day mental health will be taken as seriously as it deserves.

I think that's everything. I didn't mean to go from happy happy happy to meh meh meh, but it's all real feels and sometimes that's just the way it goes. Honesty has been a big theme in this post so it would be silly and mean to lie.

Until next time x

P.S. My pal Dom and his pal Ryan write a really cool blog called Thunk and they close their posts telling you what music they're currently listening to which is just the coolest thing ever, and seeing as copying is the highest form of flattery, I'm going to steal that idea. Thanks guys x

Ro is listening to: Hopeless Wanderer by Mumford and Sons

The Next Step #2

My first ever post on this blog was titled 'The Next Step' and was published on the 7th October 2014. It was a very, very long tale of my personal struggles in choosing a University course. Today is the 13th August 2015 and this morning I found out that I have been accepted into my top choice University; Kent, to study Drama. And boy oh boy, I've got all the feels.

I spent so many hours and so much energy on making this decision, worrying about this decision, and then working my sanity into the ground to earn this decision, that to now know that it's truly over and earnt is so surreal. Surreal enough to write a blog post about at 11:59pm haha.

I actually didn't get into University on the grades of my offer...I was supposed to get ABB but achieved ACC (cry cry) so shout out to Kent for that lovely little favour, I really appreciate it. No thank yous to Edexcel, you big ol' pile of nope. I was pretty upset when I read that I'd got 2 Cs in subjects I believed I was stronger in - even though I already knew when opening my results that Kent had accepted me, I was really struggling to accept me (criiiinge, sorry). In that moment, I was a failure, no matter what UCAS or Kent had told me. But I think that was okay; it's okay to be disappointed as long as you forgive yourself in time and don't loose sight of the bigger picture. It's taken all day, but I'm alright now, I'm satisfied, and over the moon that in September I am packing my bags to move to the beautiful city of Canterbury to study my favourite subject (that I got a C in grr, okay still a little bitter ha). I wish I had done better, but I know that the letters in the envelope I opened at 10:30am this morning do not define me; my experience at Kent will define me.

If I was to get really deep here and search for a meaning or a lesson to be learnt from my results, I would say that it's an encouragement for me to really, totally pull my weight and work harder than I ever have worked at University. I've been granted a place at the institution of my choice, but golly it was by the skin of my teeth. Perhaps if I'd got in with the grades I was supposed to, or higher, I wouldn't be motivated to work as hard. But in the present I've got quite a lot to prove, to myself mainly. I can Drama!

Well, there's a lifey update for you internet, see you at The Next Step #3, whatever that will be...

As you wave me goodbye

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it. Exams are a thing that have happened, and freedom is a thing that is looming now. I, like many people my age, am in a funny sort of transitional period. I'm in a state of absolute in-between. I've supposedly finished school but I'm not sure where I'm going next (at least not until results day). I'm rehearsing for a play with a melancholy shroud over my head reminding me that this is the last production I will be a part of in this company. And finally, I am STILL waiting to turn eighteen. In short, everything is weird.

But it's exciting too, I think. I have lots of little plans in the case of my rejection from University - I'll audition for lots of local plays, dive wholeheartedly into script writing (I really should give that more time) and maybe I'll enrol on an art foundation course to pass the time, because why ever not? Maybe I'll reapply for University, but for now I'm happy not knowing - I've grown accustomed to the big old question mark imprinted on the file in my brain labelled 'my future'.

It's sad leaving things behind - school, jobs, clubs, people, but I suppose if you truly belong somewhere, then you can only ever leave in body, never in spirit. My name will remain under my paintings on the school walls, and the props corridor back stage at the theatre will always remain the place that my friend taught me how to play black jack during a performance, making us late on stage. And I know with absolute certainty that I am welcome to return to any of the places I am supposedly leaving behind at any time, and that's comforting.

This post doesn't really have a point to make, or a neat conclusion, it's just a little update about where I am (or am not!) and how I feel. So because I can't round this off in usual fashion, below I have put a couple of sentimental collages of my time at  The Company of Teens at at school. I have a lot of time on my hands, okay? 

Someone stop me, I think I've broken the cringe barrier.

Oh, and the title? I've been listening to a lot of Gracie Fields recently.

Whiplash: My emotionally unstable and nonsensical response

So I just watched Whiplash and am straight to my keyboard. I am hammering away at the keys through an overwhelming shortage of breath and a heartbeat that must be breaking some sort of record for its irregularity. I've broken out into a hot sweat and all I can hear is the pounding of drums from Caravan.  

Whiplash was by a mile the best film I have ever seen but it has thrown me; my mental state and moral compass included, completely into turmoil.

If you're reading this having not seen the film in question, please just stop reading. This post will not be worth your time which should really be spent on watching Whiplash.

If you have watched Whiplash, then here a few in-comprehensive thoughts that have plagued my mind since the film ended that maybe you share/disagree with/haven't considered. I'd love to continue this discussion beyond the post, so do leave a comment below or contact me with any of your thoughts!

~

Both Terrence and Andrew got what they wanted, and this bothers me somewhat, because naturally I feel like Terrence fitted the villain role and does not deserve success. But then one of the most resounding messages throughout the film was what does success actually mean and who is deserving of it? - Surely it is the person who is willing to walk through hell and sacrifice everything that will, and should, succeed, but does emotional scarring not blacken the name of success and turn it into something else entirely? And so what if someone isn't prepared to push everything aside in the name of ambition? Does that make them unworthy of achievement?

'Four words you will never hear from the NFL.'
- Remember when the nature of success is discussed at the dinner table of Andrew's extended family? That scene played host to one of the best pieces of script writing I've ever scene in my life. It portrayed competitive family life almost infuriatingly accurately, and allowed the real life underdog to watch a marvelous display of quick-witted sass that they have at so many moments wished they had the confidence to display themselves. 

THAT EYE CONTACT AT THE END gave me palpitations.
No - that whole freaking final scene gave me palpitations.

I was quite literally on the edge of my seat from both the almost unbearable tension and the sheer gut-wrenching support I had for Andrew as he created a moment that I think every human being on the planet has at some point in their life wished they could create. When he mouths those two words to Fletcher and switches his badass gear to maximum I couldn't help but squeal because I so badly wanted to punch the air because wow what a golden sequence. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Terrence is a metaphorical inch away from breaking Andrew, in a manner so psychotic I simply cannot empathise with it, but the film ends with them as equals. The power struggle is resolved, their eyes meet, and they both win. Through Andrew's impromptu slaying of Caravan, he finally earns the respect of Fletcher, and most probably the audience, and Fletcher has finally created his star. Reiterating some earlier points, part of me feels Fletcher does not deserve his success or to be equal with Andrew. My morals dictate to me that no one has any right to inflict psychological distress, like Fletcher does to his students, upon anyone, and no one should ever be made or feel obliged to endure such a thing...but it happens, and it creates undeniable results. So depending on where your priorities lie, I guess Fletcher's methods are justifiable and to be expected. Hmm. I also recognise that Fletcher is an incredibly ambiguous character, with more layers to his personality than an onion to its skin. He did care about Andrew and he did see his potential, he just had a very particular method of extracting talent which, unfortunately, worked.

I also can't help feeling that the suddenness of the ending (I did see it coming, but it still gave me chills) suggested that Andrew's goal throughout the story became less and less about becoming a successful drummer in his own right, but merely earning Fletcher's respect. This point is pretty empty, but I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT EYE CONTACT and Andrew's smile as he looks up at Fletcher like 'I did it.' and Fletcher's wrinkles rising as he cracks a smile like 'I did it.' 

~

Sorry this isn't very polished, it is purely my stream of consciousness fresh out of the cinema. I needed to rant. Thank you for your time.

I need feminism

So I didn't write anything in March. Cry cry. But here is a thing!

Feminism. It's become a bit of a big deal in the last few years. Kate Nash, Joseph-Gordon Levitt,  and Emma Watson (amongst many, many others!) have all done cool things in the name of gender equality and one could argue that the cause is finally getting the limelight it deserves. There's a lot I could say about the great leaps feminism has made, and the exciting projects taking place in its name at the moment, but I won't, because that's a story for another day. But what I will say is that no matter how far it has come, or how far it has yet to go, I NEED FEMINISM.

I have a pinterest account (link is on the left...) and one of my many boards is dedicated to feminism. When browsing quotes, photos, videos and articles of this theme, I have noticed a trend  - the 'I need feminism because...' white boards. 

'I need feminism because...'
(click on image to enlarge)

I think these are a cool way of spreading the message with a personal touch, but unfortunately these exist too:

'I don't need feminism because...'
(click on image to enlarge)

There appear to be two predominant themes here - 

1) a misunderstanding of what feminism is

2) a belief that it was all well and good once upon a time but it's not needed anymore

Now I'm all for expressing opinions and raising discussions, I mean that's what I'm doing right now, and I'm totally grateful, especially in light of recent events, that I live in a society where these people and I can make our voices heard/messages read without fear.
However, I personally believe that each of these statements, as comments against feminism, are fundamentally flawed. 

 1 - That is a gross generalisation of feminists 

        You do not need to identify as a victim to recognise the gender gap
        Women in western society may not be oppressed like the women of Afghanistan, Mali and Iraq (to name but a few countries) but that does not mean we don't need feminism. We need it because of what it has done for us and for what it can do for the women who are in undeniable and harrowing need right now!
        Moreover, why are so many people so scared to advance? Like, yeah we can show more than our ankles in public, yeah we can divorce our husbands without being shunned, yeah we can vote and lots of other good stuff, but what about going even further? Like abolishing the pink tax? Why stop now?

   2 - If you want the recognition you deserve as an entrepreneur (instead of being labelled 'female entrepreneur') it is FEMINISM that is championing that recognition! You're looking for gender equality; you're looking for feminism.

   3 - To empower women means to strengthen and build upon what they already have and encourage those who may not have realised what it is they have! Women are not weak and that is precisely the foundation that feminism stands on; the genders are equal and deserve equal rights. 

It saddens me when I hear people saying they 'don't need feminism' because apparently its goals have already been accomplished. I don't believe that just because attitudes have advanced and laws have been passed, the need for gender equality is any less. It is exercised more actively, and we can appreciate it in action, but that doesn’t mean we could live happy lives without it. Surely being able to see how much it improves society proves how much we all need feminism?

I live in a world that Emily Davison dreamed of, but I need feminism just as much as she did. 

The Envy By-Product

A few weeks ago I was struck by a thought. The following word splurge is that thought.

To set the scene, I was in an art lesson. I had my earphones in and was listening to some depressing 'alternative' album, and was painting. I was swirling some red oil paint off the end of my paintbrush and onto the blush of my mother's paper cheek, when I thought 'my art skills have improved a lot since I started Art GCSE'. A trivial brain wave, granted. Then it developed. 'I'm as adequate at art now as the people I was envious of a few years ago'. 

Anecdote paused.

Now for a brief interlude...

Envious is not a good thing to be, I think everyone can agree with that. It defaces your self-worth, ruins your judgement, and can upset relationships. Unfortunately, we can't always help the emergence of this emotion. I for one get very envious very easily. Let me demonstrate with a few examples.

A girl's hair falls perfectly adorably without any styling? ENVIOUS
Amazing singer sings amazingly without even trying? ENVIOUS
Just spotted the most beautiful, happy & loving relationship? ENVIOUS
Friend looks stunning without makeup? ENVIOUS
Amazing actor reads script aloud for first time and reduces room to tears? ENVIOUS *

*This I am yet to witness, but if I did, I'm sure I would be very envious of the actor's talent.

So you get the picture. I get very envious. Sometimes it's only a little itch and easy to bat aside. But sometimes it's really heavy and makes me cry, which is rather rubbish. 

Anecdote continued.

'I'm as adequate at art now as the people I was envious of a few years ago'. In Year 7/8/9 I would look at the A Level art work on the walls at school and would feel so conflicted. Half of me was mesmerised by the standard displayed, and in awe of it's beauty etc, but then half of me was confused and frustrated. I would be frustrated because I couldn't understand how it had been made. HOW did they know how to paint the shadow? HOW did they know what shades of green and blue to include in the skin tone? HOW did they get the proportions so accurate? HOW HOW HOW??? You see, as much as I am a creative, free spirited individual, there is a large part of me that screams for everything to be rationalised and explained. Yeah, things can be weird and unorthodox and raise questions, and I love being able to explore interpretations and say 'there is no right answer' but I'm always most comfortable when after all the discussions, there actually is a final answer, whether I agree with it or not. I couldn't understand how these artists work could be a result of just knowing. But yeah, that's a tangent. The point is, I remember a time when I was baffled, and very ******envious****** (KEY word here) of older student's artwork. Now, at the grand old age of seventeen, I know (sort of) how to paint shadows, am confident to include shades of green and blue tastefully in skin tones, and can draw with correct proportions. (With the help of my trusty friend the OHP...) But I'm not announcing this as a form of artistic milestone or call for affirmation, no! I am telling this story because the improvement in my artwork, I believe, has a lot to do with, besides growing older and continued practise (okay I sound like a right idiot now) my envy. OKAY BARE WITH ME. I was envious of other people's work and this drove me to improve. I was determined to reach the standard that I desired. 

Anecdote complete.

If my claim is correct, then envy is not always such a bad thing. Captured and channeled in the right direction, it can motivate us to improve ourselves. And I wholeheartedly advocate healthy self-improvement. 

However, as with all good things, there is a limit to this belief. Envy over other people's physical appearances or circumstances is futile. As much as you may desire a smaller forehead, bigger chest, or smoother skin (all insecurities of my own!) you will never have any power to change this, obviously. But you DO have the power to improve in your skills, achieve academic/occupational/financial goals, make someone happy, be spontaneous and  make a change in the world! (Just to name a few.) 

So I actively encourage you, reader, to have a long hard think about what makes you envious. Then think, is there anything I can do to achieve this?
If yes - go freaking get it  and stop feeling so resentful!
If no - forget it, and embrace what you have. Flaunt what you have even if it seems frightfully unattractive in your eyes. If you air your scarred skin/dysfunctional family/lack of money in public enough, it'll be loved in time.

Start as you mean to go on

I have developed a habit, and I know I'm not alone in this, of entering the new year with the words "this year I will...". And I'll be lying. Every time. But this, I realise now in my new-year wisdom, is because I have fallen victim to pledging new years resolutions purely out of social pressure. And under pressure is no place to make a pledge. Especially to oneself. But this year, and I apologise for the impending cliche; it's going to be different. I'm starting 2015 with strong, whole-hearted intentions and I am determined to see at least one of them through to 2016 and beyond.

2014 was a year in which all my previous behind-the-scenes flaws found their way to centre-stage, if you will (wow nice theatre analogies Rosemary). And by this I mean, for example, I have always had a problem with timekeeping but it's never been too obvious or inconvenient in the past, but somehow in 2014 I managed to be late to almost every single engagement. And let me tell you, being the one that's always late is not fun. This is the same for procrastination, sleeping patterns, you name it...I kind of just stopped looking after myself this year. But that was okay, because as I like to say (to shift the guilt of being an awful human slightly off my shoulders) you live and learn. 

And so begin my new year resolutions...

~

This year I am going to:

• Aim to be early for things 
  even the little things 

• Drink lots (and lots and lots and lots) of water
  Because that comes with all sorts of health bonuses yay for vitality

• Wear minimal makeup for normal days, preferably none, and save the products for special days

• Go swimming more!
  When I was younger, swimming was my absolute most favourite thing...I was such a water baby, and having not swam publicly for over two and a half years I really miss it :( I am even lucky enough to have an amazing new swimming pool only down the road from me, but swimming is a bit of a daunting prospect when it's lifeguarded by boys my age and all swimming costumes seem to be hideously unflattering on my body...but alas, that doesn't matter, because this year I am going to go swimming :)  

• Go running...and walking...and cycling
  I'm really unfit. Depressingly unfit. I need to do something about it, and to be honest, if I actually tried, I think I'd enjoy exercise

• Go to bed earlier (zzz)
  This will be painfully difficult, but hopefully worth it

• Read more! (books are cool)
  It's about time I fulfilled the stereotype associated with my taste in spectacles

• Doodle and sketch for fun 
  Art lessons should not be the only time I produce art!

• Be >unapologetically< honest
  I am (metaphorically) waving farewell to endless ambiguity and tiptoeing around the edges of awkward social interaction for the sake of political correctness. I avoided confronting a lot of things I probably ought to have done this year for fear of making people uncomfortable and it wasted a lot of time and emotions, so I've decided to draw a line (again, metaphorically). Here's to speaking ones mind and dealing with things head on! Also under the theme of being honest...I need to stop lying, because I'm too easily tempted into saying "I've just left" when I'm packing my bag, and "I'm doing my English coursework" when I've just paused a film...

• Make schedules (and STICK TO THEM) 
  How many time Rosemary? Being spontaneous doesn't work when you're an airhead

• Be kind

~

And so, that summarises my personal resolutions for 2015...it's the thought that counts, right?

And dear reader, I hope you too will take a moment, if you haven't already, to ponder upon what changes you'd like to make in the name of a new year. Granted, the ideal of #newyearnewme is cringey, but there's nothing wrong with allowing yourself to start afresh and trying to be a better you.

Start as you mean to go on.