Three weeks ago a friend of mine admitted to thinking that "generally,
women talk too much" and I've been thinking about this ever since.
When I was a child, my Dad always used to tease me that I talked a lot and
would tell me that I was very early to learn to talk because I was so desperate
to communicate. The story goes that at age one I would be visibly
frustrated if I couldn't articulate how I felt, which is where the nickname Roro
originates from; Rosemary is a little difficult to annunciate as a baby.
But my Dad always spoke of this personality attribute of mine as a positive
thing. He teased me for it but only because he's naturally very shy and
he's proud of my confidence and ability to express myself. There was also my
year 7 form tutor, Mr Griffiths, who only ever referred to me as 'chatterbox'.
But again, this was always said as a term of endearment and never
made me feel ashamed or embarrassed, because it wasn’t meant to.
Before I continue, I feel obliged to make a disclaimer. This response to my
friend’s comment is not fuelled by a feeling of having been attacked and I am
not personally insulted. There are just a couple of key issues with the
statement that I recognise as sadly being a product of certain societal
misconceptions. So it is for that wider context that I write this piece.
People can say the wrong things. People can speak without thinking first. People
can speak loudly. People can speak with unusual voices. People can speak at the
wrong moments and people can, on occasion, talk too much. But it cannot be said
that this is a commonality found only in women. I can name plenty of men that
must always have the last word and plenty of women that dare not open their
mouths. But that’s entirely beside the point. Imagine being told that
"generally", people of your gender, or your race, or your age, or any
other group to which you belong, talk too much. How would the implication that
what you say is of a lesser value to that of someone else feel? Or that by
belonging to the group that you do, you must surely share the same traits with
everyone else. That by being a girl, or Asian, or over the age of 40, for
example, you by default have this indicative vice. Ridiculous, right?
People are people. You can’t reduce personalities to simply a
collection of traits supposedly belonging to a race or gender. People
are wholly unique and complicated in entirely individual ways.
It goes without saying that we all enjoy or avoid the company of different
people, because we are all different people. Our thresholds for what is “talk[ing]
too much” vary as much as the pitches of our voices. It’s okay to think that an
individual talks too much and it’s okay to not enjoy their company for this
reason; that’s part of what it means to be human and to exist. But I feel
uncomfortable with the notion that it’s okay to try to change or challenge this
trait in any way. The risk of reducing someone to silence is not a risk I see
ever worth playing with. To feel as though what you say is superfluous, worthless
and not of interest to anyone is not something anyone should ever have to feel.
It’s dangerous because the truth is everyone has a right to self-expression -
to sing and to shout and to feel comfortable doing it without the fear that
someone in the room would rather they supressed themselves. Because really, is
it a lot to ask to just put up with people? Leave the room if you must. Excuse
yourself and put your headphones in. Challenge yourself to listen for longer
than you would normally. It won’t kill you, but silencing someone might.
It may be that my friend has had countless experiences where he has had
something to say but the women in the room at the time made it difficult for
him to speak. If this is true, I can empathise and I can understand how this
may have made him feel. But these potential situations are not a ground with
which to justify stereotyping. You can’t let your past experiences predict your
future. Let people surprise you and treat them for the individuals they are!
To summarise, I hold two issues with the discussed comment. The first is the
stereotyping; the blasé sweeping statement that suggests that all women share
the same tropes and habits. The second issue is the insensitive attitude towards
the subject of talking. We all, as human beings, have a duty to make everyone
feel free to express themselves and we must all try to be better listeners.
If anyone ever tells you that you talk too much, try shouting instead.
Ro is listening to: Lousy Connection by Ezra Furman