The next step

[That post I was referring to the other day..? Well I've finished it (sort of)!]


Often referred to as "the next step", the reality behind this cliché phrase is anything but a step. In fact, it doesn't really qualify as a leap, or even a swim in my experience, but more like a long haul flight. To the South Pole. Or perhaps the North if you live in Brazil and are equally as out of your depth as I am, in England.

This over embellished metaphor is referring to the fore-dooming question that inevitably awaits us all at one moment or another; what are you going to do with your life? This abyss is sitting before me right now. It’s been here for a while, and it’s not really budging. When I look to how other people are dealing with said question, I notice that it’s become a social norm for the survivors of A Levels to go to university and perhaps get a degree. And that's what I'd like to do, I think. However, the query that's truly bothering me, and thus prompted the creation of this sorrowful first blog post is not whether to go to university, but rather, what course to take. Now bare with me here, because that may seem straight forward to many people and therefore I may sound like I am overreacting, (to be honest, I probably am, although hopefully not as much as you may immediately think), but I am one of those unfortunate souls who were not blessed with a sense of direction in life, making this a choice that demands inhumane hours of research, thought, more research and personal discovery.

To set the scene of my current crisis, in May this year I finished my AS courses in English Literature, History, Drama and Art and in June I began my A2 courses in all of the above except history.

Of my current subjects, Drama is my favourite and the one I think I will enjoy studying for another three years the most. This belief brings a multitude of feelings to surface. A good point being that I have finally narrowed down my interests to a particular field, making writing a personal statement indescribably easier. (I have had countless battles with myself over the past year and a half about whether I want to pursue art or drama, or both, or pick up something entirely new like psychology, sociology, or photography. There was also a drama-school phase, but I have decided once and for all to postpone this aspiration.) Negatively, drama is widely considered a non-academic vocational subject that offers limited employment opportunities, which as my dear grandmother (ily Granny) unceasingly reminds me, is the only reason for going to University.

So to relate this back to my sparkling metaphor (sarcasm), I have had to do a LOT of research to find drama courses right for me, and this has proved difficult because this means looking to 21 year old me, and I can’t see her yet. I’ve had to consider my interest in the theory of drama, my willingness to write essays, how much teaching I want to receive, what elements of drama I am most interested in, whether I want to risk conventional job opportunities for acting branches and so on. I’ve also found, as suggested previously, that the adults in my life have a LOT of opinions on this field of work. Watching people physically grimace in front of me when I boldly admit to being interested in drama is pretty disheartening. This has led to me habitually lying to the euphemistic questions asking what I'm planning on doing when I leave school. "I'm interested in journalism and teaching" has become my most common fob story to settle the nerves of these wise elders, because apparently these career branches don't require back-up plans. (Oh! the dreaded back-up plan.) Apparently these areas of work fit into the safe and stable category. I'm not convinced this has been proven true, but either way, it's better than that acting malarkey. And I know I am young and grossly inexperienced in the world and people are only looking out for me because they probably do know better. But I’m willing to embrace the challenges drama brings. If I end up living the life of the stereotypical waitress dreaming of being an actor, so be it, I’ll never regret spending three years studying my favourite subject. 


Upon contemplation, I realise that this issue has a lot to do with the hindrance of money. If every higher education institution didn’t charge such extortionate amounts of money for every element of the university experience, then I might I might be able to afford to get it wrong; I could afford to pick the wrong course and do another one after or instead. (Well this post has taken an unexpected turn haha woops didn’t mean to step into the political/economical zone, I’m waay out of my depth now, so let’s backtrack and jump into my comfort zone of melodrama)

When did I grow out of the age where wanting to be an actor was seen as merely ambitious, instead of risky and non-academic? I hate this self-re-evaluation that the world suddenly calls us to undergo, less than ten years after we were supported for announcing that when we grow up, we were going to be princesses, cowboys, and pop stars. I don't mean to dismiss all those who set their hearts on being vets, doctors, teachers and lawyers at aged 5 and have grown to see those dreams through, because that's awesome, but they don’t deserve any pity haha. I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore, (did I ever??) but I suppose my main point is that it's sad that at aged 16/17, I'm expected to know where I want my life to go, and whether this will be prosperous or not. I am not legally allowed to drive, vote, buy alcohol or cigarettes, but I'm filling out forms on the UCAS website and writing a personal statement determining the rest of my life? I know this has been happening for years and years, and I'm one of millions to go through this process, but I really don't like it.

I’ll write something more light-hearted soon, but this is important to me. Heck (who even says that haha) this subject is all I think about and act upon at the moment, so it’s good to express it like this.

Where I am

Oh.



This is a lot harder than I originally anticipated.

I began making this blog back in early June and finalised my current layout and formatting in early July, I think.

I then got straight on to writing a post.

I've been editing it ever since.



This post is sat in a word document, unfinished, and is becoming more and more irrelevant with every passing day. Each time I go to edit it in the hope of making it fit for the internet, I have to change a tense or update a piece of information mentioned, and it's really losing it's purpose. I'm wasting so much time on it, and I'm not sure what to do about this. I'm supposed to be writing Drama coursework, English essays, and filling up pages in my sketchbook, but no, I'm rewriting paragraph after paragraph of a private piece of futile literature.



I'm not even entirely sure why I'm publishing this - it's hardly any better than said post. I suppose the idea of documenting my early struggles is quite appealing in the hope that one day this might actually work. But until then, I can only hope that I have a burst of inspiration soon.



The only way is up, haha :)