Try shouting instead

Three weeks ago a friend of mine admitted to thinking that "generally, women talk too much" and I've been thinking about this ever since.

When I was a child, my Dad always used to tease me that I talked a lot and would tell me that I was very early to learn to talk because I was so desperate to communicate. The story goes that at age one I would be visibly frustrated if I couldn't articulate how I felt, which is where the nickname Roro originates from; Rosemary is a little difficult to annunciate as a baby. But my Dad always spoke of this personality attribute of mine as a positive thing. He teased me for it but only because he's naturally very shy and he's proud of my confidence and ability to express myself. There was also my year 7 form tutor, Mr Griffiths, who only ever referred to me as 'chatterbox'. But again, this was always said as a term of endearment and never made me feel ashamed or embarrassed, because it wasn’t meant to.

Before I continue, I feel obliged to make a disclaimer. This response to my friend’s comment is not fuelled by a feeling of having been attacked and I am not personally insulted. There are just a couple of key issues with the statement that I recognise as sadly being a product of certain societal misconceptions. So it is for that wider context that I write this piece.

People can say the wrong things. People can speak without thinking first. People can speak loudly. People can speak with unusual voices. People can speak at the wrong moments and people can, on occasion, talk too much. But it cannot be said that this is a commonality found only in women. I can name plenty of men that must always have the last word and plenty of women that dare not open their mouths. But that’s entirely beside the point. Imagine being told that "generally", people of your gender, or your race, or your age, or any other group to which you belong, talk too much. How would the implication that what you say is of a lesser value to that of someone else feel? Or that by belonging to the group that you do, you must surely share the same traits with everyone else. That by being a girl, or Asian, or over the age of 40, for example, you by default have this indicative vice. Ridiculous, right? People are people. You can’t reduce personalities to simply a collection of traits supposedly belonging to a race or gender. People are wholly unique and complicated in entirely individual ways.

It goes without saying that we all enjoy or avoid the company of different people, because we are all different people. Our thresholds for what is “talk[ing] too much” vary as much as the pitches of our voices. It’s okay to think that an individual talks too much and it’s okay to not enjoy their company for this reason; that’s part of what it means to be human and to exist. But I feel uncomfortable with the notion that it’s okay to try to change or challenge this trait in any way. The risk of reducing someone to silence is not a risk I see ever worth playing with. To feel as though what you say is superfluous, worthless and not of interest to anyone is not something anyone should ever have to feel. It’s dangerous because the truth is everyone has a right to self-expression - to sing and to shout and to feel comfortable doing it without the fear that someone in the room would rather they supressed themselves. Because really, is it a lot to ask to just put up with people? Leave the room if you must. Excuse yourself and put your headphones in. Challenge yourself to listen for longer than you would normally. It won’t kill you, but silencing someone might.

It may be that my friend has had countless experiences where he has had something to say but the women in the room at the time made it difficult for him to speak. If this is true, I can empathise and I can understand how this may have made him feel. But these potential situations are not a ground with which to justify stereotyping. You can’t let your past experiences predict your future. Let people surprise you and treat them for the individuals they are!

To summarise, I hold two issues with the discussed comment. The first is the stereotyping; the blasé sweeping statement that suggests that all women share the same tropes and habits. The second issue is the insensitive attitude towards the subject of talking. We all, as human beings, have a duty to make everyone feel free to express themselves and we must all try to be better listeners.

If anyone ever tells you that you talk too much, try shouting instead.


Ro is listening to: Lousy Connection by Ezra Furman