'Just don't'

Note - I wrote the bulk of this post in early June, but left it unfinished. I decided to leave the opening context the same for ease of read, but the date of publishing will be a few months later.

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A few days ago I was sitting in the sun with a group of friends, predominantly boys, enjoying a BBQ. In the midst of conversation, one friend joked that my legs wouldn't get burnt if I didn't shave them. Perhaps I should have laughed but instead I responded 'I didn't want to shave them'. There was a pause, leaving just enough time for me to tell myself a hundred times in my head that I shouldn't have said that. Then a short discussion broke out in front of me, lead by my male friends, about how inconsequential and easy it is for a woman to 'just not' shave. Regretfully, I partook little in this moment because I was too engrossed in listening to what these boys had to say about a subject they are dreadfully ignorant about. However, since then I have had time to mull it all over and now I have things to say...safely behind a screen. 


First of all, I wish to make clear that I am not challenging the simplicity of not shaving. On a totally practical level, the act of not doing rather than doing, it goes without saying, is easier. I also don't believe myself, as a woman, to be under any force to shave. I recognise and appreciate my fundamental ability to choose and I do, for much of winter, take advantage of this. However, when told by a group of boys, the same boys who will tell me at length how attractive the girl with the smooth skinned hairless body is, that it is easy for me to 'just not' shave my legs, I can't help but feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable because by saying this they disregard all of the external factors that influence my choice to shave (or not). Factors that take more guts than they would know to override and ignore. There is no 'just' in deciding not to shave my legs. There is fear of judgement, fear of not being beautiful, fear of rejection, fear of bringing an elephant into the room with me. And whether other people deem these justified or rational fears is not relevant because they are mine and they exist by no lack of reason. I am reminded every day, subconsciously as well as consciously that beautiful women have hairless bodies, and not wishing to speak on behalf of womankind, that's really difficult to ignore.


These male friends of mine do not deliberately encourage women to look a certain way, and they cannot personally be held accountable for attitudes that are the result of generations upon generations of patriarchal brainwashing. But they do play a part in my choices, and to close their eyes to that with their hands in the air as if to say that I haven't been taught to seek male gratification since I was a child is frustrating.

I'm not asking for a solution or an apology or for guilt. I'm not imparting any blame or seeking sympathy. I'm simply nodding to this state of affairs I find myself in where there are (whether we choose to acknowledge it or not) deep rooted ideas of beauty ingrained within society which leave many people feeling paralysed into a state of robotics; doing things not out of choice or necessity but from a blinded perspective that this is normal and that normality is law. To quote a fantastic Mitchell and Webb sketch, 'Men: shave [just your face!] and get drunk. Because you're already brilliant.' But for us ladies, there's contouring, waist trainers, Brazilian waxes and Kylie Jenner lip kits sweeping the Western world like an unwelcome flu virus. And for every one of these brainless epidemics on the cosmetics counter, the ever unreachable bar has been raised for what it is acceptable to look like when leaving the house. I will stress again here that of course we do not have to abide or follow these trends. And actually, I think deep down and lost amongst the ifs and maybes of this piece, that's precisely my point. No one has any obligation to obey social expectations or gender stereotypes, but it's difficult not to. This is not a practical issue, it's an issue of attitude on both sides. 

So please, guys, don't tell me to 'just not' when you belong to the body that instructs me to do so.


Ro is listening to: Toothpaste Kisses by The Maccabees