Procrastination

I'm writing this instead of an English essay. The irony is almost heart breaking.

Unfamiliar with the term 'procrastination'? Below is a video I was shown by a friend last week about said term. Its accuracy has moved me in a deeply emotional way. John Kelly speaks the truth.





Procrastination is a subject that has haunted me my whole life, but has become significantly worse and subsequently scarier in the past 2 years, including a noticeably giant increase in influence this academic year. When I say 'my whole life' I mean that I have always struggled with concentration and time management. Every single one of my school reports from primary school contains the phrase 'Rosemary is showing great potential, but I wish she could work a little faster' (or similar) printed in harsh black ink.  But with the coming of age, also naturally comes a development in this work style. Nowadays I'm not just a slow worker, bumbling along for a little bit longer than everyone else, or a distracted daydreamer that sometimes struggles to apply themself academically. Nowadays I am all those things as well as being addicted to the internet, passionate about sleeping, and being constantly unsure about quite what it is I'm supposed to be doing exactly. I have said previously that my procrastination habits are becoming increasingly worse. This is evident, for example, in the fact that I have mountains (not a metaphor!) of work to do at the moment, but despite having 7 hours available today, I have nothing but a rephrased essay question (rephrased for the 15th time this week) to show for it. And this, tragically, is not an isolated case. This happens every single day for me. Without fail. I honestly cannot think of an exception to this within the last 6 months.

For anyone reading this that does not experience these moments of severe unproductiveness (that's-not-a-word-alert) every single day of their life, then it's probably easy to assume that I am lazy, unmotivated and stuck in bad habits ............................................................. and you're probably right. But one thing I would just like to make abundantly clear about this problem is that I do have ambitions. And I do care about my work. I want to study Drama at University and I want to work in the Theatre and Film industry. I want to live entirely self-sustained and comfortably enough so that I can see plays whenever I want and buy Taste The Difference instead of Sainsbury's Basics. I want to be proud of myself, and I know that this takes hard work and commitment. Being caught up in the grasp of procrastination does not make me ignorant or blind to cold facts like that. In fact in my experience, it makes me hyper-aware of what I'm doing/not doing, but clouds my vision of how to challenge this. When I'm having a particularly unproductive Saturday, and it gets to that all too familiar 3:45pm realisation, I get aggressively frustrated at myself, work myself up into an emotional mess, but then have no clue how to channel this drive in to anything other having a shower, or cooking some pasta, or watching a film. And this effectively is the nature of procrastination's vicious circle.

I'm aware that I've begun talking about procrastination like it's a condition a doctor can diagnose, but honestly, that's what it feels like. To say that I struggle to get work done would not come close to justifying the conflict that I too often find myself in. 

To end, I want to say, to myself mostly, that I'm sure at the heart of this issue is an argument about will-power and self-motivation. There is no easy way out of this state, there's no magic spell to chant, pill to swallow or small habit to alter. In order to be the grabbing-life-by-the-balls proactive go-getter I am so hungry to be,  then it is me and only me that can fundamentally make that happen.

Over and out.